Matrescence: The Birth of a Mother

My life started over on my 28th birthday.

That was the day my first child was born: her actual birth day. It was also the 28th anniversary of my own birth, and it was the day I became a mother. Within the OB/GYN world, we talk about the concept of “matrescence,” meaning “the birth of a mother.”

Up until that point in my life, I had almost been sleepwalking, going about the next task on the list because it was what I was “supposed to do.” Finish school. Get into med school. Become a doctor. Get married. Have a baby. Check off the items on the list. I had always been very independent in this mission. I could figure it out on my own and I didn’t need any help.

But when I gave birth, I suddenly realized this was a very different experience. I was overwhelmed (see “A Mile In Her Shoes” Nov. 23), humbled by the amount of work and how much help I did need. When I was at my lowest point, walking out of the job that I had worked so hard toward and sacrificed so much for, another mother recognized me. She knew how I was feeling because (maybe?) she had been there herself. She was part of the village of mothers. She saw me.

I am so grateful to her for seeing me and guiding me toward help from others.

That idea of matrescence is not one we talk about enough, either in clinical practice and certainly not in wider society. I don’t think I was expecting my life to turn completely upside down from having a baby, but it did, in a good way. I almost had to go to that point of desperation and emerge safely on the other side in order to realize that there were people to help. That it’s ok to need help, and in fact, a person who needs and then asks for help is a healthier person. She is better than the younger version of me with that false sense of independence.

I have realized that in all my endeavors as a physician, as an academic, as an entrepreneur, this concept is what I’ve tried to shine a light on: motherhood does not break you, it makes you realize that you are part of a community. You need that community, as much as it needs you. Lean on them when you need to, so you can lend a hand someday to a mother in need. You are better for being part of the village of mothers.