The Integrity of Being Vulnerable

Being vulnerable is powerful.

It is so important to be able to say, “I was wrong, I’m sorry. Help me see what I can learn from my mistake.”

Being honest is so much more important than “being perfect:” because being perfect is impossible. Human beings aren’t perfect. But, we can learn and adapt from our mistakes. I am constantly trying to instill the value of integrity in my children. You are human, so own that you are human. Tell the truth. If you make mistakes, admit to them, and apologize when appropriate.

Recently, something happened to me at work that made me reflect on this, both broadly and in my own experience.

Humility as a Virtue and a Tool

We were reviewing a situation and speaking with another adult about their actions. The other person was clearly trying to cover their tracks from a mistake they had made, rather than admitting that they had made the mistake. It was obvious to the rest of us that they had made the mistake, but rather than being mature and taking responsibility, they doubled down. The review was almost a learning exercise, but this person was missing the point and not learning from their action. All I could think was, “This would be a non-issue if you would just apologize and admit your mistake.’”

It was clear to me that this other person carried a lot of shame that had turned into defensiveness. Because of their defensiveness, they didn’t recognize that I was on their team and trying to help them, rather than shame them or point fingers.

When I was an instructor at Emory, I had this experience a lot. Med students often don’t want to look “wrong,” because they want to seem like they know all the answers. I would tell my students all the time, “Beware of the person who seems like they know everything. They are the scariest people.” Because those kind of people don’t want to be taught.

To be taught, you have to accept that you don’t know everything. To learn, you have to admit that you still need more knowledge. People who aren’t willing to admit to needing more knowledge certainly won’t admit when they’ve made a mistake, which can literally be life-threatening in medicine. A good doctor is both knowledgeable and humble, willing to be real.

Embracing my own Vulnerability

While I’m reflecting on the flawed nature of humanity, I need to remember that I am also human. I have flaws, and that’s ok. I am not perfect; thus, my work will not be perfect, no matter how much I try.

I have written a lot about my imposter syndrome and how I’m afraid to launch my app because it might be wrong. I started going down a dark hole thinking about what if the app has a problem? What if it hurts someone? What if I made a major mistake and something goes wrong? What if it’s not perfect?

I have to remind myself that here, I am setting the bar too high for myself. I have to trust that I am putting good work out there. I have to trust the people who are in my corner and working with me.

I know that being a physician comes with great responsibility, but I also want people to realize that I’m human. I need my integrity to shine through. I want to be able to communicate easily with others when I have to change paths; I need to be able to fail fast, admit it and move on.

As I’ve gotten older and learned more about admitting my mistakes, I’ve been pleasantly surprised to see how accepting most people are of that. (One bonus: admitting your mistakes reveals the people who are on your side.) Even my three-year-old can say, “It’s ok, Mama, everyone makes mistakes.”

If he knows it, shouldn’t we all?

Dr. Braden’s Recommendations:

On the theme of vulnerability, I’d like to recommend The Gift of Imperfection by Brene Brown. While many (if not all) of her books speak of vulnerability, this is the first one I read by her, and it remains very powerful. Brown writes about how her research and initial hypothesis about one phenomenon was completely incorrect. From that mistake, she learned something even more valuable, which turned into her whole body of work on vulnerability and imperfection. Plus, her writing style is very open and approachable. Highly recommend.

Another great book on the subject of “owning your mistakes” is Untamed by Glennon Doyle. This woman had a whole persona and body of work portraying her as one thing, and then her life shifted in a major way. Untamed is Doyle owning that shift in a public, human way. It’s a very beautiful and powerful story, especially for anyone who may have read Doyle’s earlier work and created a judgement of her based on that.

Finally, because we’re getting into warmer weather, sunscreen has been on my mind a lot lately. If there is one thing I regret, it is trying to tan when I was younger rather than protecting my skin, because it’s almost impossible to erase that mistake. I can admit it, and I can learn from it, but I sure can’t change the damage I may have caused myself! My broad recommendation is to Wear Sunscreen Daily! But my more specific recommendation is to check out the work of Dr. Sam Ellis. She is a dermatologist as well as a founder of a skincare brand, Prequel, and posts on YouTube about the latest research on sunscreen. I really appreciate her science-based approach, of course, and she has thorough, practical advice.