Listening to the Wisdom of the Body

I just finished a really intense workout. Not saying it to brag, although I am pretty proud of myself and what I’ve accomplished in training in the last year.

I’m mostly saying it to recommend it, as it:

• Is time I give to myself

• Gives me a sense of control

• Makes me feel happier, stronger, and healthier

• And lets me enter a flow state that forces me to focus on This One Thing.

Besides that, it also allows me a chance to cry. Why would I recommend crying? Let me take you back.

2018: The Year I Learned to Cry

In 2018, I was in a book club with a bunch of other “cool” young moms. Everyone else had a minivan. Everyone else was in therapy. I already had a mini-van so I figured, “I can go to therapy too, for wellness, right? I don’t know what I’ll talk about, but I’m sure I can think of something.”

Turns out, I had A LOT to talk about. Therapy was the first place I can remember really and truly crying, each time I had a session. My whole life, I had been encouraged to show only my positive emotions and hide/bottle up my sad emotions. “We only want the positive Andrea,” the world told me. “Be happy and positive no matter what, and be stoic if you can’t be happy,” my physician training encouraged in me. So for a long time, I was “the positive one.” But that really weighs on a person after a while.

Therapy was deeply important to me, and one of the ways I recognized that was by the amount of crying I was doing in each session. Crying is an important release and we don’t recognize that or appreciate it enough in our logic-driven, positive-pushing society.

We Can Own Our Emotions

Also in 2018, I participated in a women’s leadership course, the WELL Cohort, led by Fan Tate. Fan had risen through the ranks to become the head of the American Academy of Pediatrics. She was a genteel, older southern lady… and each time she addressed us a group, she would get teary-eyed or actually cry. None of us judged her for that. In fact, she taught us that as women leaders, it’s ok to embrace our emotions.

In our lives, we had mostly seen male leaders. Male leadership looks very different from female leadership. Male leaders rarely show their emotions; but Fan encouraged us to lead as women, showing our emotions even while moving forward and making decisions. That was eye-opening and empowering for me to understand.

Singing Through Tears

Finally in 2018, I began taking voice lessons, which I had never done before. I did have SOME experience singing: I had sung in choirs in high school. For while after my first child was born, I was a singer in a band (see “My Short Career as a Rockstar”) My children were taking voice lessons, and I thought, “Ok, this could be fun, let’s try it.”

It WAS fun, but also cathartic in an unexpected way. Sometimes, I could be having a really difficult day and sing in response. That song would hit the tender spot inside of me that I had always guarded so closely, and I’d start crying. (I called 2018 the Year I Learned to Cry for a good reason). Even through song, I was able to let go of some weight.

Carving Out Me Time

Back to the personal training. Last year I started personal training, almost out of desperation. I had finally stopped breastfeeding after doing it on and off for 16 years. I had had a very difficult year emotionally and professionally, and I needed something that would give me a sense of control. I wasn’t trying to gain a lot of muscle, I just felt out of touch with my body. My hair was falling out from stress. I needed to reconnect with myself.

As a kid, I was active and an athlete. As a young woman, I used to work out all the time. When I first started training again, I didn’t look it, but I was out of shape and deconditioned. It was very humbling to be on the floor, almost vomiting, after a training session, because I had never been that person before.

The difficulty of it wasn’t what made me cry, though. What made me cry was the guilt I felt at taking this time for myself to work out. Mom guilt is hugely prevalent in medicine, especially OB-GYN, which is now predominately female. As other working mothers do, we feel the strong pull of our families and children at home at odds with the strong pull of our fulfilling and important roles as physicians. And none of us can be in two places at once, let alone square both of those emotions with the equally important need we have to take time for ourselves.

So, my then three-year-old would cry because he wanted mommy to walk him to school, but that morning window was the ONLY time I had to myself, and I was choosing to spend it working out. That was the tender spot I was hiding: massive guilt. Definitely cried about that.

Listening to My Body > Mom Guilt

I would cry on my way to training, and sometimes I still do. BUT. My training sessions are difficult, so difficult I can’t focus on anything else. They override my brain and put me into a flow state. I liken it to the flow state I enter during a really difficult surgical case: this is the only thing I can focus on. I MUST focus to keep from dropping a very heavy barbell on my face. It takes away all the other distractions.

I am proud that through all these struggles, I have learned to start listening to my body. When I start to tear up, I have learned to ask myself, “What is my body trying to tell me?” instead of trying to hide the emotion.

That is the beauty of these sessions: they force me to be completely present. Listening to the wisdom of my body, being present, is so worth all the tears.

Dr. Braden’s Recommendations

Pinnacle Fitness in Decatur : Unsurprisingly, I’m recommending my gym and my personal trainers there. David, who owns Pinnacle, is very responsive and helpful in creating a plan that works well for you, and asking for feedback about how you feel along the way. Even if you don’t live in/near Decatur, they offer virtual personal training sessions as well. Please check them out and support a small business!

Who Gets In and Why: A Year in College Admissions by Jeffrey Selingo: As the parent of older teens, this topic has definitely been on my mind, and this book is a great one to help you consider new perspectives for your student.